I apologise in advance if I start rambling in this post. I can't seem to think straight. Haven't been eating much these few days and its beginning to show. Lost weight already. I'm getting skinny again... (People will say, "When were you ever not skinny???) But I thank God that I'm recovering.

The things that happened today made me look back and think through my own expectations. I've realised that I spot other people's mistakes almost immediately. Not like I'm intentionally on the look out for these mistakes but just so that I can let them know about it. So quick to pick on others. I could be ignorant of my own shortcomings staring in my face. My sister says that the best way is to listen out to what God tells you. He'll let you know if you're screwing up. But only if you're listening...

So am I listening?
Not all the time... For one thing, listening takes a quiet heart free of distractions. And my mind on the other hand wants distractions like a kid wants candy. Even when I have nothing else to do, and the only thing left to do is to sit with God and read the bible. My mind will conveniently 'overlook' that option. Probably to sit at the computer reading or playing computer games or flipping through the dozens of channels on the television. I'll get to it tonight.

I have this exercise book where I used to jot down my ex-girlfriend's SMSes... Stumbled across it when I was looking for something to read in my bookshelf. Anyway, all the SMSes that meant something to me were written in there along with the date and time. (There were alot of them!) I was reading through some of the messages and it reminded me of why I was so afraid when I broke up with her. I was afraid that I'll never be loved the way she portrayed in those messages ever again. The way she reassured me of her love and the way she encouraged me to strive after God. Can it be found again? Or was it a fluke in the massive plan of the universe that was righted after we broke up? Dare I suggest that it was a fluke in God's plan? Or more likely my impatience in finding a girlfriend?

I'm told and I believe that God's plan has in store a better partner for me. But a part of me dreads that in a totally selfish way. Will she be what I expected? Will she fit my impression of 'better'? So many questions again! But the answer remains the same.